Jonathan (ジョナサン)

Will I Say it all?

    Will I say everything I truly want to say right now... I don't know, we'll see how my typing goes in the next couple of minutes. Actually, I think I'll go downstairs and grab something to drink, then type more, multiple seconds.

    Stopped on the way up and did a little brushing of the teeth, and drinking some water. It seems I can't help myself from procrastinating, even a little bit and with something that's actually valid (keeping good dental hygine), if that procrastination will help put off something that might actually challenge me, or at least require a fair amount of work. In that regard, this post might end up being quite lengthy, and there might even be a few who do not wish to read it all. I think I will start with the lighter things, and go more indepth as I type.

    Congrats to Erik and Tara. They got married on Friday in Hawaii, wish I could have gone and had some fun there, but plane tickets aren't free these days. Can't wait to see the video when they get back. I wish them the best in their marriage, they are a wonderful couple and great friends.

    This job description seems to just fit me perfectly. I think I would even enjoy it quite a bit. It's ironic that I came upon it, I was searching for a GM application for FFXI, just to humor myself and see if it was out there. Of course, currently, I do not plan in any way to apply for this job, just found it interesting when I ran across it.

    Wow, I like legos, but oh my word, wow. Thanks, Adam, for the link. That is some crazy detail, and I'm sure crazy amount of time.

    It's interesting, because in a way, both of those previous paragraphs tie in to a lot with what I'm about to say... again, I wonder if I'll actually say it all. I've already played it through my head a few times, but now the words seem lost to me.

    I've always been a far better writer of words than(then? ah, yes, than) a speaker of words. I always jokingly say that this is due to having three older sisters who were amply able, and available, to speak for me. In a way, this is probably true, part might be due to worry if I choose the correct words, or perhaps a small lack in confidence. It's interesting, for so many years I did the voices on the Starworld phone system, but whenever I hear my own voice, I cringe. Something about my voice, I just never have liked, which I suppose, is in a way, odd. If you think about it, you never really hear your own voice until you hear it played back, because while you are speaking, your voice echos inside your head, and ears, causing it to be slighty distorted from the way you hear it compared to others. At least, that's my perception. But I digress (man, I am probably butchering the spelling of words tonight...).

    Anyways... writer, not speaker... back to that. That's why I'm writing a lot, because I want to say things, but I can't seem to say them. Right, ok, so... just got back from Brazil, been back 2 weeks in fact. A lot happened there, God really showed me so much while I was traveling there, I'm not even sure I could relate half of the things, some of them are just part of my thinking now, they had such an impact, so I'm not sure I could even put them to words. Now I get up to turn on the fan... further delaying my typing. Fan on, thermostat adjusted. What am I going to do with my life, where am I go, what is my future? I've been thinking a lot about this, what I've really been thinking is, where does God want me to be and what does He want me doing? It has been a truly amazing experience using my Martial Arts abilities, and this may be what I will do. I'm not sure what else I might be doing. I could stay with the theatre, it's a pretty flexible job, especially if I moved into more of a "home office" type of roll, reviewing paperwork, fixing machines, making sure computer systems are working, etc. Hmm.. I'm starting to think about the people who might read this, and it's messing up how I am saying it... clear the mind, clear the mind.

    I have always been extremely reserved when talking about things. My common response to my mom's questions are grunts, which I don't do to annoy her, but usually because I don't really feel like talking about things, which is why writing this is such an interesting event. I'm not sure what else to say, so I'll just go into the next phase, Family, you should probably pay attention to this.

    Léia Arruda. This is the Brazilian woman that I met while down in Brazil. Now, there were jokes and jives about getting a woman before I went on the trip, but I, in no real way, had in mind to meet someone while I was down there. I was, afterall, only down there for a week, so any meetings couldn't turn out for anything. Since I've been back, I've attempted to bring up the subject of Léia to my parents, but my past of not being very open or talking about such things as lead me to introduce the subject in a somewhat joking manner. I am not certain whether my parents currently realize the seriousness in which I consider Léia. I did talk on the phone to Jennifer, after arriving back home, and I think she understands it to some degree. While in Brazil, I actually went on three different dates with Léia. And while I was extremely nervous the first one, a simple lunch date, I was not so much during the second; where we went to lunch and a movie, as well as walking around the mall. My relationships in the past have been... interesting, but it was a bit different with Léia. There is a small communications barrier, she is still learning English, but we seemed to understand each other. I have been e-mailing with her every single day of the week since I've been back (she can only e-mail from work, so can't on weekends). We've been learning more about each other, and our communication is quite free. I always smile when I read her words, and it is not because of her English, but because I think of her behind the words. While I was in Brazil, after meeting her, I started praying, multiple times during the day even, about her. About God giving me guidence, insight, should I prusue this. I still pray about it each day, and I continue communicating. We, her and I, will start studying the Bible together, probably Monday. I have no idea where this relationship will go, and yes, it is most definatly a relationship at this moment. I'm not saying I will being marrying this girl, that I don't know, all I know is that I'm going down this road that God has seemingly opened up while I was in Brazil, and I'm going to see where the road leads. We are already communicating to each other on a far higher level than I ever did with any girlfriend I had in the past. It seems natural for us to just talk about anything, and open up to each other. Léia is a wonderful girl, very nice, beautiful, and polite. She has a desire to serve God, and her communications have strengthened my own desires to do the same.

    I mentioned it a few times to my parents, and it is true. There is a high possiblity that I might be going at the end of this month, or beginning of May, down to Brazil again. They are getting a new server at Joyce Meyer's Ministries and it would be an opportunity for me to visit with Léia more as well as setup the server. It is not set in stone, I need to make sure I can actually do the work, and even if it doesn't happen, I do plan on visiting by the end of the summer at the latest.

    I have always been extremely reserved in saying the words "I love you", even to my own family, whom I do love. I've never understood why. I love you, Grandpa, Grandma, Dad, Mom, Laura, John, Jennifer, Rene, Emily, Kane, Kyle, CJ, I love you all very much, and I just want you to realize how my feelings of love are starting to grow towards someone else. I'm sorry I ran away those years ago for a month, I was filled with pride, I was confused and lost. I'm filled with tears as I type this, I don't know why, I just want you to understand what I'm feeling right now. I'm not even sure why I mentioned that just now, it's interesting, because while in Brazil I actually used that testimony, that I ran away, when I spoke, I guess God has been laying it on my heart, I don't know, I'm sorry for the hurt. I can't type anymore, I'm going downstairs and waking dad and hugging him... I need to, it's 12:43.

    TUMEO.
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